conversations not for those with delicate sensibilities

If there happen to still be any misconceptions about the actual factual down and dirty life I live, this post should clear those right up. Because while being a mom is surely the most rewarding job on the planet, it is also usually not so glamorous. Let’s face it. On any given morning I can easily go from sipping coffee and admiring the flowers to huffing Clorox fumes and cleaning poop off the wall just. like. that
And since I’m being truly honest, I’d say I’ve experienced some of the nastiest, mushiest, smelliest, slimiest things EVER all while performing my motherly duties. I thought I’d pull from the archives of my brain some of the more colorful conversations I’ve had over the past year. Please look away if you are under 60 inches tall or prone to vomiting at the thought of poop. Just keeping it real, ya’ll.

Me: “Caleb, what’s is that on your sleeve??”
Caleb: “Huh? Oh. I guess Jon puked on me.” Removes his shirt and examines it. “This smells like chocolate. Did you give them chocolate??”
Me: “No! Are you kidding. I wouldn’t give them chocolate this late in the day.”
Caleb: “Oh. Well, it smells like chocolate to me. Here, you smell.”
Me: “No thank you. Not necess–“ The offending shirt is promptly thrust under my nose. “–ary. Okay. I guess it is necessary.” 
Caleb: “Isn’t that chocolate?”
Me: Taking a swift sniff. “No, Baby, that’s peanut butter.”  
Me: “Jackson! JACKSON! I need some help! Quick!”
Jack: “What is it, Mommy?”
Me: Standing at the changing table holding a naked baby behind in the air “There aren’t any more wipes in the dispenser! Please go to my room and look in the diaper bag – it’s on the floor next to the dresser – and get the baby wipes out and bring them to me.” Pause and eye him speculatively “Did you get that?”
Jack: “Yes.”
Me: “Okay, go quick.”
Jack: Is gone for seven minutes – during which time I contemplate the logistics of opening the closet door and procuring wipes with my foot – and finally returns. “Look, Mommy. I found gum.”
Me: “Oh dear.” 
Jack: “Mommy, I peed on the floor.”
Me: “What? Why??”
Jack: “Cause my potty had a hole in it and the pee went on the floor.”
Me: Upon entering the bathroom and finding I’d left the little potty’s bucket insert drying in the tub and Jackson had indeed peed on the floor. “Guess what, I declare you are now old enough to use the big boy potty.”
And then there’s always the act of cleaning up after dinner each night.


Sarah T. said…
oh. my. gosh. Jonathon is the cutest thing! That video is precious!!! I love the chocolate covered hand pushing the plate away.