searching for a second wind

Caleb has been back in Iraq for two weeks and it’s difficult to describe the place where I’m at right now. It’s somewhere between trial and serenity, with a dash of resignation on top. I feel like I should have fallen into some semblance of normalcy by now. Instead I’m still struggling to shake the funk. You’d think the second goodbye would be easier than the first, but this was not the case with us. Perhaps knowing what living without the other is like makes it harder to let go again.

Truthfully, I could not have known what R&R was like until I experienced it. It is heaven and hell together, with a strange sort of cruelty that you won’t realize until it is over. Like a starving person given a slice of bread and forced to toss the rest of the loaf into the street.

Did I leave anything unsaid?

So I guess it has finally lodged in my brain, the reality of this life. So many military wives have done it before me, and so many will do it after. I’m sure all of them, at some point, will question whether standing for something is worth the cost. Or how many deployments can one endure? Except I already know the answer: however many I have to. I’d follow him anywhere. I just would.

I’ll be back to blogging next week after I’ve had a little time to process, spend time with the boys, and just figure out where we’re at.