the things I cannot change

001

Friday, word came down that the Unit’s return has been delayed. As in, my donut of misery is totally messed up now. Thanks a lot. As if the past couple of weeks haven’t dragged by slow enough, now I have to add another week or more to the wait. Will he even be home by the end of January? Not so sure anymore.

Technically, it’s only a few more days, but it might as well be an eternity. It’s not at all like waiting for a special occasion, or waiting for the circus to come, or even waiting for a baby to arrive. It’s like waiting for your life to be pieced back together again. And Friday had me staring at the calendar, wondering if those seven consecutive little squares could finally make me lose my mind.

Then for no good reason, I took a paint brush and scribbled on the wall in the kitchen. Not even going to defend this atrocity. It will have to be sanded and painted over soon, but I can’t deny it was therapeutic. Everyone deals differently. In retrospect, I admit I have a bad habit of inflating these situations until they simply explode inside me. Hopefully I can accept this is one of those things I simply cannot change, before I run out of walls to write on. 

Comments

M.S.F. said…
on the whole, writing on the kitchen walls is fairly harmless. Josh's original return date was March 16, but I refused to be lulled into complacency, so I told people he was returning in early April all the way through the deployment. Then when he actually got home on March 27th, we were all relatively okay with that. I learned early: never trust the military when it comes to dates and times. So, which is worse: a little paint or chronic trust issues?
Caleb said…
Jackie, having to tell you that we'd be delayed tore me up. Just about wars past, though. People generally had no idea when their loved one would return home...if at all. My favorite scene in "We Were Soldiers" was Hal Moore's return home. You know me...I love surprising you by coming home unannounced. Love you and miss you.
Elisa said…
Oh Jackie, my heart aches for you!! You are stronger than I for venting your feelings through painting some words, I can assure you that! I'm so so sorry. I hope you do NOT lose your mind. Love you.