Tuesday, February 4, 2014

plotting a course

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well hi there.

January was a quiet month here on the blog. I didn’t fall off the face of the earth, but I hit a high in terms of burnout. I needed a week or two break from blogging and when that time was up I didn’t really know what to say about why I quit. So I just didn’t say anything at all.

I took some time in January to prioritize my time. Blogging used to be a staple part of my day but lately it’s become less important. Maybe because we’ve entered a different chapter of life, or maybe because I’ve run a little dry. 

Truth is, my kids have been the meat of this blog from the beginning and last year when they both left for school I started a slow slide into uncertainty. At first there was the joy of sheets changed every week, seeing the bottom of the laundry basket every day and reorganizing a whole closet without interruption. And for this introvert, suddenly eight hours of complete quiet every day. It was addicting and also toxic. I’d spend my whole day waiting and waiting for them to get home, and guiltily dreading it at the same time. They’d hit the house like two tornados at 3:30 every day, dropping shoes and backpacks in a trail to the kitchen snack drawer, dumping dirty lunchboxes on the counter, complaining about homework and both talking at once about who said what on the bus. I had to really gear myself up for that moment. It was joyful chaos or a complete mental disaster, depending on what attitude I chose before they even walked in the door.

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There were plenty of adjustments and for a while I was busy just getting used to a new routine. And then came the day when I woke up to a clean house and eight hours without a single obligation. That was the day I first stood on a ledge and teetered between falling off into depression or realizing there’s something else waiting around the corner.

I doubt there’s ever been a person who wrote about personal struggle on a blog and enjoyed it. Probably because there are those who read, think you’re crazy and would love to trade you personal struggles. Boredom is a rare commodity, I wish I had time to be bored. Except I’m not bored. I’m directionless. For seven years I’ve invested most of my time into learning the art of parenting my children, and now my hours have been severely cut. Even if I give them the best of myself on nights and weekends, I still spend the day wondering “what now?”

Which is when it usually occurs to me that this is exactly what every one thinks right before the road takes a corner… Cue Pocahontas “Just around the river bennnnnd!”

Sometimes it’s just hard to plot a course when you don’t know what’s behind the next door.  

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So, in short, there will still be posts here, just maybe not as many as before. I’m not the kind of awesome blogger that can pull an epic post out of laundry and dishes, so I’ll blog when the kids do something funny or when the chickens finally stopping crossing the road.

For those of you who faithfully checked this blog during January or sent me concerned emails, thank you. You are the reason I turned up again, sat down in front of this screen and said “Onward!”

3 comments:

VLR said...

Yeah, I have been checking. I have been missing your pictures & stories. It was exciting when there was something there tody.

Anonymous said...

I must admit I about emailed you 20 times to ask if you were ok. But I always convinced myself that took my stalking you past the limit. Appreciate your honesty. Christy

Andrea L. said...

I always like reading, even if it is about dishes and laundry :)